I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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