Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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