we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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