I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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