You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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