So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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