from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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