I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
