My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
