the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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