Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize