I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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