what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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