I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
