Just fell off a train. Bad.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize