he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
