How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
