it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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