never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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