I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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