You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize