between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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