apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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