A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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