First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize