I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
