Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
