My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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