i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
