is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
