I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
