I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
