If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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