Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
