I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
