he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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