My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Randomize
