just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
