I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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