Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
