Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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