There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Welp...herpes.
someone owes me an orgasm
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
