I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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