I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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