Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
