My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
