textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
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