My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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