Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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