I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize