youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
