he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
