Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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