Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
