I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
