my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
