I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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